How to listen actively in relationships

Welcome to Limitless! 

Today, we want to specifically dive into the relationship segment of this blog. 

Let’s talk about listening actively in relationships. 

Before you shake your head in denial and close this page because you aren’t in a relationship, just wait a minute, three minutes at most, and hear me out. 

Foremost, let us understand that no one is perfect. We all have our shortcomings. As a result, I think we would all admit that there is no perfect relationship. However, without a doubt, we can have healthy relationships. 

One key factor that defines a healthy relationship is great communication, and listening is a major part of communication. How? Listening is a feedback, and it also determines feedback. Think about it. 

Now, there is a difference between merely hearing and active listening. You know that moment when someone says “are you listening to me?” while you are scrolling through your phone, and you reply with “yes, I’m not deaf, I can hear you”. 

Let me just tell you now that you weren’t listening actively, you were merely hearing. 

In my native tongue, there is a saying; ojú lòrò wáà. It means we can communicate better when we can see each other’s eyes. 

Listening actively is all about the way you listen, the kind of reply you give and how you make them feel. Trust me, it could mean a lot of things. It could show you care, you value your partner, and you are willing to protect your relationship. 

So, how then can we listen actively in our relationships? 

1. Pay attention

Listening actively entails paying full attention to what the other person is saying. First, let us understand that we might not always have the solution to things but just being there speaks volumes. 

It’s okay to not always have a solution for every problem. The ‘ordinary’ act of sitting still and listening could show that you genuinely care for them. 

Sometimes, we listen not because we want to hear what the other person wants to say but what we want to say next. I would talk more on this in the third point. 

When you are in a relationship, it’s okay to not always have the right thing to say. It just shows that it’s the real you. No one has all the answers, and that’s what makes us human. 

So, what is this Limitless person saying? How will I know what to do when my partner is venting or needs me to do something? 

Well, it doesn’t hurt to ask. You could ask if there’s any way you could be of help. Typically, they can either ask you for advice, ask you to do something for them or tell you ‘nothing really’. If they reply with ‘nothing’. Then, you should be very intentional about being there and making sure they are okay. 

Connecting, reassuring and checking if they are okay shows you care.  

2. Feedback

Most times, we wonder why people have closer friendships outside of their relationships. In fact, in reality, this is a major issue, aka the ‘bestie’ trend.

But if we think about it, a reason is that they probably get more attention from the other person outside. It could also be that the other person is a better listener, which might not be a quality that can be found in the partner. 

I’m not justifying the act, I’m just coming up with an angle we could see it from. 

Let’s say I have two male friends. One is my boyfriend and the other is a close friend. Let’s name my boyfriend Collins and my close friend Smith. 

I go out today and I almost fall while trying to get on the escalator because it was my first time. I find it funny and think I should share with someone. I immediately think of Smith, my close friend. So, I send a message to him. He replies with laughing emojis and asks if I’m okay. 

The next day, the topic comes up while I’m chatting with Collins. He reads the message but takes two days to reply. When he finally replies, he asks me who on earth doesn’t know how to use an escalator and makes me feel silly but in a very subtle way. For instance, saying that, and hiding under a laughing emoji. 

Can you see that something is wrong? We talked about subtle remarks in emotional sensitivity. 

What is the point of relationships? Shouldn’t it be a place where you can lay yourself bare with your partner without feeling uncomfortable? If I’m more comfortable telling my close friend something like that, then, something is definitely wrong.

What exactly am I getting at? The kind of feedback you give will tell if you were listening actively or not. Consequently, listening actively shows if you care for your partner and value the relationship. 

3. Be selfless

Look, it is very easy to point fingers and say our partner is the one with the problem but how about us? 

I know when someone shares their pain, sometimes, we instinctively want to empathize by sharing our own stories. However, that’s not the best approach. It is definitely not the time to share your own problems. 

We all have problems. I mean, we have different things going on in our lives. However, if someone found you worthy to share their pain with. It is not the time to start talking about everything wrong in your life too. 

Why is it wrong? Sharing your problems as a response to someone else’s could show that you are underestimating their feelings by implying that your own problems are greater. It could also make you seem insensitive to their emotions. 

I know it’s easier said than done. This life is more complicated than it seems, and we could find ourselves in a completely different situation. 

Thus, there could be a justification for sharing your own story. Let’s say your partner is going through something, they share with you and ask for advice. You could use an experience you had in the past to advise them. However, simply stopping there is not enough. You have to share how you dealt with that situation and if it helped. Remember, you can do this only if it is solicited. Sometimes, they simply need your listening ears. 

Also, in relationships, we often expect so much. We focus so much on how our partners will make us feel and what they can bring to ‘the table’. 

How often do we think of what we have to offer? Do we think of how we make them feel, how we can contribute to building a healthier relationship, listening, communicating, speaking their love language?

Remember, a healthy relationship is a two-way affair. 

4. Drop the phone 

This particular one is a menace. Sometimes, we get too engrossed in social media that we forget to focus on our real lives. 

Dropping your phone while your partner needs to talk or is talking to you shows you respect them and you care. 

Again, reality might be different. You could be busy working on your phone or doing something really important. In this kind of situation, you can simply tell your partner in a cool and calm manner to give you few minutes to round up what you are doing so you can give them your full attention. Remember, your tone matters a lot. 

Listening actively shows we value, respect and care about our partners. Don’t just tell them “I care about you”, let them see it in your actions. 

With that being said, I hope with these few points of mine, I have been able to convince and not confuse you(😂😂😂) that you should always listen actively. 

Thanks for reading! 

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Wait. I almost pretended like I haven’t been gone for five weeks. I can explain😂. I’ve been very busy with academia. Believe it or not, writing here takes hours and I can only do it when I’m in a good mental space. I know I’m probably giving a flimsy excuse but accept me back with love, will you? Don’t worry, as from today, I will always try my absolute best to publish every week. Just put me in your prayers. 

Meanwhile, how have you been? Good? Not so great? I feel you. Don’t worry about it. You are doing your best, and that is enough. 

Just in case it’s your first time here. Welcome again to Limitless! Here, we talk about real life experiences/issues, relationship, and we get some fiction bits too. After reading this post, you should stroll around the blog and read to your fill!

Don’t forget to follow the blog and you can send emails to me via rolakejiboku@gmail.com or reach me on Instagram @ji_rola.

Bye for now my Limitless people!❤️